Call Me As Selfish Useless

Assalamualaikum and good day...
Al-Fatihah to my atok (lil bro to my real grandpa, mom's side)...
Atok Hj. Haling @ Halim...
He just passed away yesterday, noon at Hospital Tawau...
My big family (most of them) were there during his funeral till the end...
Me? Crying out loud in my house and not attending the funeral...

Ya, all of my family might call me as selfish or "cucu pareare" because I didn't showed up to pay my last respects to our atok...

You know what...

I'm not that kind of person who easily can accept a heart breaking reality...

Especially in losing someone I love...

I rather not attending the funeral, seeing him lying there without life...

I just want to go on with my life, imagining that he's still alive...

So, i'm so sorry atok...

All of you can call me as useless grandchild...

A selfish, useless some might say...

But all I did just because i'm too fragile to see you for the last time...

It doesn't mean that I don't want, but I just couldn't...

Atok Hj. Haling...

I pray that Allah will grants you a great place with Him there...

Insya Allah, till we meet again in His Jannah...

You're gone for good, no need for you to suffer anymore...

Although you are not in front of our eyes anymore, but you are still alive forever in our heart and our mind...

Innaalillaahi wainnaa ilaihi raajiun...
Al-Fatihah for you, Atok Hj. Haling...

May you rest in peace with Him...

We will always love you...

I love you too and you're gonna be missed...

Thanks for everything...